Milestones

-Emily Dickinson

If I should die,
And you should live --
And time should gurgle on --
And morn should beam --
And noon should burn --
As it has usual done --
If Birds should build as early
And Bees as bustling go --
One might depart at option
From enterprise below!
'Tis sweet to know that stocks will stand
When we with Daisies lie --
That Commerce will continue --
And Trades as briskly fly --
It makes the parting tranquil
And keeps the soul serene --
That gentlemen so sprightly
Conduct the pleasing scene!

Many entries have been deleted. 
Reasons.
Never as good as what people think.
Expectations.
I push on.
Grief.
I try.
Hope?

It's all in one's hands.

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
- C. S Lewis

 

Dear Unc Foo and Re:mixers, well done well done. 
Unc, here's to assure you once again that NO, you did NOT play like a pig. 
You were fine, seriously.
Looking forward to every Re:Mix project to come.
Pssst, next time include my works yahh?

Many thanks in advance.

><extensive REVIEW for private viewing><

Bravo. 

That is the beauty of music. They can't take that away from you.

He looked terrible today. That's not exactly surprising since he was in such a bad state in the wee hours. The word "dishevelled" described him perfectly.

I attempted to busy myself with revision for my History Listening and Harmony exams today. I was distracted, but I traced the melodic lines, harmonic structure, texture, orchestration and counterpoint on the scores I were studing as intently as I could. But now and then my mind drifted.

And then he appeared.

I gave a pathetic wave and a frown and stared at my scores as if there was an exciting comic strip on them.

In the corridor, before the lift, I didn’t know what to say. I couldn't help gazing because I was concerned. But whatever I said turned out strained, awkward and rude. Gosh, my insolence. 

The necessity of a facade. It gets rather irksome at times.

Had dinner at Kopitiam with Alicia and we were rather down. It must be the effect of the rain. Took a bus back with Mark after dinner since he was waiting.

Right now the rain doesn't seem to be willing to stop.

Perhaps it's a sign?

I am going running.

Cheers.

I'll love you dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street.
                                        -W. A Auden


It sure is heartwarming to receive good news early in the morning. Got a call from Lydia at 4am informing me that Gory Gordon has proposed, she's said yes and they'll be tying the knot in early February. Never knew Gory could be so romantic! Haha. Well done bro, you got your girl! The choice of lines of Auden's poetry for the proposal was brilliant, smart ass! 

Congratulations and jubilations my dear friends, but I'm sorry I'll have to disappoint you guys with regards to the bridesmaid issue. I'm honoured, but besides the fact that I'm fat and ugly and that I don't have a partner, I'm committed to performances, rehearsals, lectures and preparation for my graduation recital so I doubt I can take a week of leave and fly over to Boston. Lydia, I assure you that you'll be a beautiful bride and we know Gory's a great guy (that's why you said YES), so a grand and successful wedding will definitely take place. I assure you two that I'll try to attend the wedding!

Sigh. It's always nice seeing my friends taking the big step and making a committment to their loved one. You see, marriage is not all about flowers, Vera Wang gowns, Cartier jewellery, Ritz-Carlton hotel banquets, a piece of paper, 'legal sex', expensive photography etc. Did any realize that people invest time in preparing for a career, learning a new skill, or developing a talent yet they often marry believing it will “just come naturally"? That is why I'm glad when I am assured that my friends have given their communion much thought and that they have no airy-fairy ideas about marriage. Especially if children are involved. Family fragmentation has devastating events on children. It's so easy to have a divorce. Too easy. To the couple involved it might be a great relief because they will be spared the agony of waking up beside someone they hope they can tear into bits; to the family of the couple, perhaps a few sighs here and there; to the children, nothing but tragedy.  

Sheesh. The topic of marriage always gets me going on and on. Crazy.

Hmm, I was thinking about Gory's choice of Auden's poetry for Lydia. Auden has always been one of my favourite poets, but I realised for the utterance of such saccharine lines from a special man, I would prefer the good ol' lines from our dear friend, Mr. William Shakespeare. Hmmm, since I started this entry with Gory's choice of  Auden's oh-so-sweet lines, I'll end with my choice of Mr. Shakespeare's lines and head back to bed. 

Love and let love.

"With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls,
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do, that dares love attempt."
                                                     -William Shakespeare

Today before you think of saying an unkind word: 
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food:
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife: 
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life:
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children: 
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren. 

Before you argue about your dirty house:
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive: 
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. 

And when you are tired and complain about your job: 
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another:
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to
one Maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down:
Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around.

Life is a gift. Live it, enjoy it, celebrate it, and fulfill it.

Let's all try.

Cheers.

(P.S I think it's something about being unwell.  It fills me up with nostalgia. Do excuse me.)

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she's blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He's always there
for her.

She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry
her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can
see everything, including her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you
marry me?"
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blind too,
and refused to marry him.

Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to
her saying, "Just take care of my eyes, dear."


Goodness. The poignancy. 

Ouch.

Makes you think eh?

 

Greetings to all...

I had to make a difficult decision today with regards to deciding on which concert to attend in the evening. Actually, I'm supposed to be in school having orchestra rehearsal, but since I'm under orders not to touch my dear Puchner at all for two months and I am on MC, I was eligible for attending a concert. Hahahaha. You see the problem was that Unc Foo and his quartet were playing for AFAN's Commuter Series and I wanted to be in the audience to give support, BUT I've had already purchased tickets to THREE by SYC Ensemble Singers, Gaia Philharmonic Choir and the Ateneo Chamber Singers, so... Sorry my dear Unc, I was at the Lee Foundation Theatre with you in spirit! :)

Anyway, met Vince for the concert at 715pm outside Mrs. Fields and headed to the Concert Hall. Gosh, the concourse and hall were extremely congested. Been long since I saw so many TKG-ians, sure brought back lots of memories from my younger days! Hmm, was glad my dear Favourite Soprano managed to get me stall seats that were pretty good. Felt good not to have a truckload of juveniles chattering away around you, wahahaha... The programme booklet was utterly cool. I'm not sure if it was just me being too sensitive, but hey..doesn't anyone else think that the programme booklet for the evening brings to mind, Chairman Mao Tse-Tung's oh-so-famous "little RED book" that citizens had to carry around in the days of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution?? hmmmmmmmm.

And so the concert kicked off with a grand sight of all three choirs up on stage, singing Americ Goh's "Aeterna Lux, Divinitas". Perhaps it's just me being silly, but somehow there was something touching about seeing so many musicians from three different countries, cultures, backgrounds, roots etc, singing as one voice. To think about it, it's kinda cool huhh? Hahaha. Americ's piece was pretty good. Building of climax, direction in music and creative divison of parts among the choir. Impressed. The triple choir work "Dona Nobis Pacem" by Gaia Philharmonic's director, Ko Matsushita was interesting and the choice of having the extended choir spread around the hall for the 'surround sound' effect was cool. I found it amazing how Matsushita could use one melodic material but many many rhythmic devices to produce a sui generis work. Gianpaolo Eleria's arrangement of "Better World" was moivational. Seeing the three choirs on stage singing "Better World" brought to mind the many NKF charity shows Singapore has, just that Gurmit Singh, Kym Ng, Taufik or other celebrity hosts weren't on stage asking viewers to dial a certain hotline! One thing for sure, I agree we need a better world!

Anyway, time to get to the point. Ermmm, let's see...

Firstly...

SINGAPORE: the SYC Ensemble Singers

Right, works that were presented were Otto Olsson's "Ave Maris Stella", Cyrillus Kreek's "Onnis on inimene", Peteris Vasks's "Mate Saule", Ryan Cayabyab's "Preghiera Semplice"  and Urmas Sisask's "Laudate Dominum". 

Hmmm. I've got to admit that I have a small list at the back of my minute brain, on which I roughy rank the local choirs. And today SYC has reminded me yet again that a certain other choir is indeed pushing higher on the 'ladder' as compared to them. I do not say this in disrepect to SYC because I've always held the choir in high esteem and attend as many of their performances my wallet and schedule allows. It's just that today, and at the Gloria concert the choir had, there's an element missing, thus a fan like me can't help but feel slightly disappointed. 

There they were on stage, clad in their smart and trendy uniforms, armed with their scores and with their voices, but what has seemed below average. Vince kept turning to me and whispering, "eh I thought you said they're good? I'm bored", and all I could do was give him a shrug. Sigh, it's puzzling. The choir was fantastic at their Winter Solstice concert and the concert with guest conductor Gary Graden was simply spectacular! Today the choir looked confident, but they sounded uninterested, uninspired, under-rehearsed, untidy and unsure. Woahh, that's five 'un-s' in a row, tsktsktsk.

The ultimate comment of the day made by my dear friend Vince was, "hey, don't you think the SYC's music, tone etc is just like someone? If you listen to them, you're reminded of Jennifer Tham. When you look at them, hey hey, you realise that she IS standing up there with them. Cold, detached and without feeling, just like Jennifer Tham..."

I was momentarily taken aback by Vince's comment, but in a place within my thick skull I couldn't help but realise that I agreed with Vince's statement to a certain extent. Sigh.

I shall not comment further on SYC, because I'm sure they're probably just going through a bad patch. They'll be back on their feet soon very soon I hope. So all those idiots and buggers who have been frantically shooting SYC on their blogs, just SHUT UP. Give them time...we're fellow musicians and Singaporeans, no? Support the man on your land! Didn't any of you read the programme closely huhh? On page 4 you'll read these lines, "there are so many human values in what we do every day that it is our task to include and involve more and more people in the emotions and joy of singing. This is why we celebrate the International Day of Choral Singing. 
This is a day of jubilation, reflection, brotherhood, solidarity and hope." 

SYC, 加油！

Next choir...

JAPAN: Gaia Philharmonic Choir

Works performed were "Shinjuru", "Mihara Yassa Bushi", Asadoya Junta", "Hohoemi" and "Tawara-tsumi-uta" . Every piece sung by the choir was written/arranged by Ko Matsushita, the director of the Gaia Philharmonic Choir. The performance by this choir was refreshing, exciting, soothing and inspiring. Even though I understand less than five Japanese phrases, the choir succeeded in bringing across the intentions and moods of the works. Their tone wasn't exactly perfect or gorgeous, but there was this...sincerity that stood out. The piece "Shinjuru" which actually means 'to believe' was moving. I won't be surprised if some people find it cheese-loaded etc, but hmmmm...that song brought back memories, especially of my time in the TKGS band. (dear Buddy, remember that "Tsubasa-smthg" song?) 

"Mihara Yassa Bushi", which is actually the Dance of Mihara City was totally happening. The choir's director Ko Matsushita was prancing around or stage and conducted with exaggerated gestures. Not only did these 'antics' bring out the 'flavour' of the music, it also brought out the cultural aspect of the work. Choristers on stage were evidently relaxed and enjoying the process of sharing their culture with Singaporeans with their voices. Two thumbs up! Bravo!

(Found it hilarious that Vince's eyes were glued to the choir's accompanist, Michiko Asai's well-toned arms... Men! Tsktsk.)

Lastly...

PHILIPPINES: Ateneo Chamber Singers

Ahaha, here we have a choir from the Philippines. My favourite country of choral music at all times, haha. Ever since I heard the San Miguel Master Chorale sing in New York, heard Ryan Cayabyab's "Tunang nay ligaya" and heard the University of Santo Thomas Singers in Singapore, I've been addicted to the sound of choral music from the Philippines. I used to be 'into' Negro Sprituals when I was younger (I still enjoy spirituals very much), all thanks to my encounter with the movie Sister Act, haha. 

Anyway, the point is, people from the Philippines and the Afro-American cultures, they seem to have it in their blood to sing. Just like how I've always felt that the Chinese have it in the blood to excel in activities that require a high level of inflexibility. No? There are pros and cons, don't get me wrong. Indeed I look like anything (and I really mean anything) but Chinese, I am proud of my Chinese roots, Chinese food and Mandarin. :)

Aiyohhhh, how did I digress to such an immense extent? Sheesh. 

Yes, back to the Ateneo Chamber Singers. Hmm, works performed were Eudenice Palaruan's "Gapas", Ryan Cayabyab's "Aba Po Santa Mariang Reyna", Robin Estrada's "Awit sa Panginoon, Ryan Cayabyab's "I Believe"  and an arrangement of "You Raise Me Up" by Gianpaolo Eleria. I enjoyed watching the involvement of the choristers in their music, the way the director Jonathan Velasco tuned the choir and listening to the warm tones of the choir. It felt like sitting along a beach, sipping a cold Long Island Tea, enjoying the breeze and the soft caress of the sun. (sheesh, I think I need a holiday. Penang perhaps. Anyone up for a short getaway?) Anyway, for the "You Raise Me Up", it was such a pity that the tenor soloists were both 'engulfed' by the chorus when they sang their solos! The alto solo was totally cool. Her vocal range is so wide! Woahhh, how I wish I could sing like that!

Personally I prefer the UST Singers more, but there was a certain element in the Ateneo Chamber Singers that was similar to that of the UST Singers, San Miguel Master Chorale, even the Gaia Philharmonic Choir. That X-factor's nothing else but sincerity. These choirs sound...genuine. To me, that's what allows their voices and their music touch the audience! They seem to really realise the "...to sing, not to fight but to heal, not to be aggressive but to have mercy" statement by the International Federation for Choral Music.

Hmmm, should make a mental note to always attempt to bring out the 'genuine side' of my bassoon music. I should, I want to, I must.

One thing about the Ateneo Chamber Singers and Gaia Philharmonic Choir was that the 'cheese' content of their repertoire was 80% higher than the SYC. Somehow I realised that at times, a bit of cheese content here and there has a positive effect. To put in simpler terms, it's like the Ateneo Chamber Singers presented Marscapone cheese, Gaia Philharmonic Choir presented Colby cheese and SYC presented Parmesan cheese. Get it?

Wahh all these talk about cheese is making me kinda hungry. Time for a shower, some cornflakes and some counterpoint.

Before I go, to the SYC Ensemble Singers, Gaia Philharmonic Choir and Ateneo Chamber Singers, I was impressed with the effort and thought put into "THREE". This concert was certainly a stimulus and generous example for all choirs around the world to join and sing for much needed peace, and to remind fellow musicians or people from all walks of life to be reminded of human values that are common to all races, religions and creeds: peace, solidarity and respect. Looking forward to the further development of the local choral scene! Vive le musique!



Let us all make music. Together.


Ok, I really gotta go.

Cheers.


(P.S. a dramatic entry eh? Must be due to the overload of cheese. Tsktsk.)

Been trying to rest much more. Several times this week as I lay in bed though I was supposed to be at rehearsal or lecture, I thought of the many times I’ll insist no matter how sick and tired I am, and attend lectures. Since primary school days, I’ve always insisted on not taking MCs unless I really have to. To me, as long as I wasn't wincing in pain and able to walk in a straight line, off to school I went. Haha, warped theories of mine... Never mind.

 

Hmmm, miss my Pϋchner quite a bit. Feeling the air go through the tubing, the sound ringing from the bell and body of the instrument brings joy to me quite a bit though many a time I don't like my tone, my sound, or whatever music I'm attempting to play/learn. Am I too much a perfectionist? Perhaps perhaps. Hope my vessel will recover really really fast, so that I can play the bassoon again. Sigh...

Oh yes, before I forget.. Did I mention that AFAN's very own Mr. Cire Nostaw won the 2006 SCO International Competition for Chinese Orchestral Composition? Congratulations and jubilations Mr. Nostaw! You've proved that it doesn't take a Chinese to write a piece with Nanyang flavour. Well done! The award presentation and concert was held on 25th November at the Singapore Conference Hall, and I attended it, all thanks to Kit who managed to secure tickets for Lulu-Heng and me. 

Personally I was most impressed with Tang Lok Yin's "Volcanicity" (sheng concertino) and Law Wai Lun's "Admiral of the Seven Seas". 

"Volcanicity" allowed the audience to see the chinese orchestra in a new light. The soundscape acheived was unique, extremely modern and leaves you hanging on the seat waiting for more surprises. Compositional techniques employed by the young composer were eye-opening, though I find that if there was a little more direction and a clearer climax, the piece would have been brought to yet another level. Oh yes and not to mention, this young lady's resume was jaw-dropping. I stared at her write-up in the programme booklet and was totally in awe. Her works have been performed in Japan, Hong Kong, Israel, United States and even France! *kowtow*

"Admiral of the Seven Seas" was actually my favourite piece of the evening. The title of the piece is really kinda cheesy, but I find that the piece complimented the orchestra and the atmosphere created was just so...CHINESE. It's just one of those works that make your hair stand and feel your Chinese roots, understand? Hahaha, never mind.

Hmmm good ol' Nostaw's piece had many interesting ideas, and one could clearly hear his Western training and roots. Nostaw clearly spent lots of time experimenting with various combinations of instruments of the chinese orchestra, and to me I think that was the highlight of his piece. The wide range of unconventional combinations brought out certain tones and textures of the orchestra and weaved a refreshing image. Mmmm, though once again, suggestion from a pathetic and amateur composer aka me will be that  creating more direction and revision of the connecting sections would improve the work. Haha... 

Chinese instrumental music can be so beautiful. Wonders of the pentatonic scale, haha. Sigh, I was wondering...if I didn't chicken out and sent in my work, how would things have turned out? Hmmmmphhhh.

Ok then, I have yakked enough. Time to have my medication and try to sleep.

So long, farewell for now...

Cheers.

I made it. 
They were worried they lost me. .
I'm here. 
Breathing.
Alive. 
My heart beats steadily.
I feel weak and tired, but...
Alive.

Time to get on my knees, put my palms together and give thanks.

Before I played the fourth movement of Stravinsky's "Firebird", titled "Berceuse" earlier on today, I looked into the audience and I took my time. I've never made a conductor wait. But today I did. I didn't make Jacomo wait for me to give him a nod to signal the beginning of the "Berceuse" because I was complacent or because I was having trouble with my instrument. Nothing of the sort. I am apologetic that I made Jacomo panic for split seconds because he thought I was spacing out and not ready for the "Berceuse". No, I wasn't spacing out. All I needed was some time to regulate my breathing, for my worries, and for the butterflies in my stomach to quit harrassing me. 

During 'the wait', I looked into the audience and gazed at him, thinking how glad I was that he was there. Before I knew it, an ache made its presence known. The familiar ache that 'visits' me once in while in the morning as I lie in bed and Laura Fygi's "Good Morning Heartache" playing softly in the backdrop; in the moments when I stare out of the bus, looking into the distance, thinking; brief moments in the corridors; moments when my eyes interact with someone elses'  and especially often as I lay in bed late in the night, shrouded by darkness, staring at the ceiling that my body and soul is embraced by this ache. 

My thoughts were racing and my fingers and air was on auto-pilot. An image similar to the one attached above was conjured by my brain waves. And I thought to myself, "besides God, will anyone be there beside me, running down this ragged road, this journey of life? Will anyone hold my hand as we witness and experience the flow of years, the rays of light in the horizon, the extravaganza of nature, the nuances in the sound of our music, the crisp rhythms, the sensations of life, together?" 

Memories, thoughts, sensations, aches and images. It all gets painful sometimes. And it's all for a four-lettered element that makes up approximately 80% of our life. The joy, the aches, the pains, the bliss. With all these elements, one can't help but sigh sometimes...

The above image. Sigh, the ambiguity and abstractness of images... I see hope, trust, companionship in this image. The companionship is apparent as they have one another by their sides. Trust? I have not much idea how to elaborate on why I see and sense trust, so I'll leave it to all of you who have read these lines to take a closer look. Hope? Is it a blatant or well-concealed factor of this image?

Take a closer look. 

With the 'ache' and image, I played and I sang. I tried.

I hope it came across.

I haven't been so blatant for long.

Sincerely.

Greetings.

18th November 2006 today. That’s 37 glorious days to Christmas Day.

Christmas. A season of joy, happiness, love and thanksgiving. The day where families come together and decorate their Christmas trees; prepare Christmas dinner; give away presents; head to church and be reminded that many many years ago in a manger, Jesus Christ was born and to pray for a fruitful year ahead. Hmm, not forgetting that it’s recommended to take time to look around, counting your blessings and being thankful of the year and happenings that have gone past.

Sigh, sentimental and nostalgic season Christmas always turns out to be. It’s the “highly emo” season. Haha, “this the season to be emo, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la”…

Let’s see, hmm 37 days. I’ve got 37x24=888 hours left to decide what movies I’m going to rent and watch on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Woah, 888 hours. Auspicious indeed!

Hmm, here’s my provisional list.
Christmas Movie Marathon
1) Forrest Gump
2) Kate and Leopold
3) Love Actually
4) Click
5) The Incredibles
6) Amadeus
7) I’m Not Stupid 2
8) Be With Me
9) Mr and Mrs Smith
10) American Beauty
11) Autumn in New York
12) Together
13) Kill Bill 1 and 2
14) Green Mile
15) Schindler’s List
16) City of God

Hmmm got a funny idea. I think I’m going to watch the movies all around the house. Hmm, on the sofa in my room, on the balcony, on my bed, in the living room and in the other bedroom. Haha, sounds kinda cranky but I’ll try. Alone I'll be, so lots of cranky things I can try with while watching videos...

Anyway, stayed in the house the entire day and watched the movie “Kate and Leopold” after I was done with my bassoon and had dinner. I realised every single time I happen to watch “Kate and Leopold”, something new from the movie strikes me. Hmm, guess I’ll end this entry with the bit that ‘leapt’ out from the screen today then. 


Maybe the whole ‘love’ thing is just a grown up version of Santa Claus. Just a myth we’ve been fed since childhood, so we keep buying magazines and joining clubs and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages, all in this pathetic attempt to explain why our love, like Santa, keeps getting caught in the chimney.

It’s a great thing to get what you want. Unless what you thought you wanted wasn’t really what you wanted, because what you really wanted you couldn’t imagine or you didn’t think it was possible. But, what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking? They just knew. Like they could...hear your heart beating, or listen to your thoughts. And what if they were sure of themselves and they didn’t have to take a poll, and they loved you?

And you hesitated.
Why?


Thought-provoking eh? Happy preparations for Christmas to all.

Cheers.